A Mid Life Crisis at 19?

Over dramatic title? Okay, yes it is, but I’m very dramatic and that’s how I’ve been referring to the last week or so in real life. The reason I’ve decided to write about this on my blog is actually for a few reasons, as I have talked about many big decisions and milestones in the past year on my blog and I also felt the urge to talk about it.

So what’s this mid life crisis involve, you may be asking? Let me explain.

I’ve always been someone that, due to my planning obsessions, has always thought that my life will be a path taking me from A to B and that path will be one straight line. But life isn’t like that really, as much as I want it to be, because it feels safe and secure and I like that feeling.

Over my whole life I’ve wanted to be various different things, a dancer, an author, a teacher, randomly for about a week I wanted to be a forensic scientist (I blame my love for Midsummer Murders), then a fashion journalist. Now this is where it gets complicated because during this time I started writing my blog and I loved writing, I was also pretty good at English at school, read Elle magazine, blogs and books about fashion religiously and that was my dream for a couple of years. I either wanted blogging to be my job if I was lucky enough, or write for a magazine, then maybe one day be a fashion editor. Then I started my A-Levels and my confidence in myself plummeted, long story short, I studied English Literature, I struggled with my grades and had a teacher who took a disliking to me and my writing. So my old blog stopped, I had no motivation to write, and my dream of becoming a fashion writer was gone, I don’t really know when I decided to go into fashion marketing but I did. I still loved fashion but decided marketing was maybe the safer option due to now being scared of being criticised again for my writing. Don’t get my wrong, I do have an interest in marketing and social media, I’ve done 2 internships in that area now, I’ve enjoyed them and always got amazing references but in my last internship I started to really think about my future and if this was really what I wanted. I might even change my mind again and decide to pursue marketing again, as I do enjoy that job. Who know?

This summer I finish at the college, where I currently study fashion retail, marketing and business. Once again, I don’t hate it, I’ve learnt loads but is my heart fully in it? Not really. But I guess it’s taken the end of my education for good and the thought of starting a job for real in hopefully a few months that’s made me think about if this path is really where I want to go. It’s ridiculous that one person and one bad experience made me stop doing what I loved and killed my dream, now I’m older, I’ve learnt more about the industry and working, and I’m going to pursue not just something I happen to be good at, but something I’m good at and I love. I guess when I wrote the catfish post, it really opened my eyes to my writing, I wrote something that got people read, shared, opened up to me about and still almost a month on is still talked about. I was amazed that I was able to write words that received this reaction and I, for the first time, besides my parents, was told that I could write and write well.

So that’s the plan now. I want to be a fashion writer. I’m not dropping out of school or anything dramatic, I’m just going to complete my course and at the same time, really put my all into growing my writing on my blog and looking into interning at fashion magazines.

Although I’m an extreme planner, and this was never part of the plan. I actually feel really content with this decision and although I’ve had a bit of a mid life crisis in my life plan at 19, I’ve still got the rest of my life ahead of me right? A few months ago, when people said your career is able to change, I shrugged it off because I was going to work in fashion digital marketing and that was it, because writing was at the back of my mind.

Throughout my life I’ve changed my career many times, but I think now it’s so close to being finished with education it feels like a mid life crisis, although for a crisis I feel pretty calm about it all. In a few years, I might read this back and be working as a forensic scientist I dreamt about being in the ad breaks of Midsummer Murders. (Ha.)

Life update over.

Until next time,

Maisie x

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